Freedom to Serve, Freedom to Marry

I want to take a break from my reflections on my personal military spousehood for today and highlight something far more important: those who are denied the right to be full partners to their military spouses due to their gender. From my very limited experience, I've seen what a challenge it is merely to be a male spouse of a female soldier. Anything that doesn't fit the "army wife" mold takes extra work, and when I think of the barriers same-sex partners face to being a welcome, active part of the military community I worry about what "freedom" it is we fight for.

The campaign Freedom to Serve, Freedom to Marry offers this heart-wrenching look at what can STILL happen to same-gendered partners of military members:

I don't know a single military spouse who finds it easy to cope with the challenges of having a partner in the military, and that is from those who do have access to the benefits of being a recognized military family member. Although the Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT) policy that required secrecy of gay service members, the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) still bars same-gendered military families from the sliver of access that make being a spouse workable.

Without health care, the access military IDs bring, support from morale and welfare programs, surviving spouse benefits and other benefits denied by DOMA, these spouses suffer unfairly even after we've taken the huge step forward of removing DADT. Regardless of anyone's personal beliefs around what constitutes marriage, I can't think of a single reason that legally married couples should be able to fight and die for their country but not have the right to be treated as family. For decades the military has created structures to support spouses and children precisely because they know how crucial family input is to whether a soldier, sailor or airman continues their work in the military or moves on. Then why ostracize the partners of good service members due to their gender?

The Servicemember Legal Defense Network has more information here: http://www.sldn.org/ if you'd like to help.

Vocab of the day: 
Military: FSC = Family Support Center

Because a girl needs choices

Recently I went to the PX (military equivalent of Target/Walmart) looking for a flat 3-hole punch and a set of twin sheets for summer dorm living.

Instead, I found this:



FIVE choices of bow and arrow sets. There was one giant desktop hole punch and one brand of sheets, neither of which I ended up getting for various reasons. Apparently I'll just have to take up archery and pretend to be Katniss.

- Posted on the go through via BlogPress for iPhone

-less or -free?

Whoa there, army baby.

I had the delight of attending another variety of spouse orientation today, the fourth in the six months I've been married and militar-ied.  While such orientations tend to have at least one highlight (i.e. learning to seal an infant into a chemical warfare suit) many tend to give variations of the same information rather drily. Part of my boredom is my lack of children- today I estimated that a good 1/3 of the orientation wasn't  applicable to me as a spouse with no kids.

Now, I totally get that the vast majority of military folk have kids- if you're going to, the benefits of having rugrats inside vs. outside the military support system is incomparable. I love the kiddos, but in the military it seems that not having any makes you immediately suspect. I was asked THE WEEK AFTER WE GOT MARRIED by my hubs' commander when we were going to start popping them out. Another military friend was assumed to be barren when she and her husband of two years kept the family to just them. It's just weird, mostly. Many military families can make an instant connection through their kids and not having any requires you be more resourceful to find compatible friends (and keep them when many families have schedules dictated by school, sports and the like).

This train of thought got me to googling, which turned up this interesting article about being sans kiddos in the military. While a bit more aggressive than I'd write, it seemed fairly neutral, especially as I continued to search for other points of view. This search confirmed my nagging suspicion that using either the terms "child-less" or "child-free" hold some serious emotional charges (being incomplete, purposeless without parenting v. being smart or lucky enough not to have to deal with the screaming messes).  I stumbled upon a heated debate of a blogging dad who posted an ironic ad for his kids and at least one "child free" blog who heartily agreed with the post, with some commenters getting so riled up as to refer to parents disdainfully as "breeders."

While I find both extremes ridiculous, it seems hard to find a middle ground and a neutral term. Do I have to describe myself as either joyfully escaping parenthood or sadly without children? Child-neutral? Adultly-gifted? Undecided? For now I'll just keep answering, "Nope, no kids. I teach plenty" and carry on.


Vocab of the day:
Korean: 아이들 (ah-ee-dil) = children
Military: dependent= family member of active duty servicemember

I've always wanted to live like a hermit...

So the movers are at it, and legally I can't help so I get to sit here awkwardly pretending not to hear the cat yowling from the balcony and attempting to do homework so this weekend can be thesis-tastic.

Whilst labeling boxes overnight and early this morning (I was told about the move about 30 hours before it happened. Awesome), I wrote both my and hubs' last names for about three boxes, then just gave up and started labeling with his name. After all, if they get lost it will only confuse people to have mine on there and they know how to track him down with military precision. The epic battle of Army practicality versus feminist identity... today goes to making sure our stuff doesn't end up on a different continent.

I also find in funny ways that I'm getting less offended by military culture and the hubs is getting more so. Funny-ironic, mostly, as about a month ago I launched into a tirade about how spouses are treated and was regarded with a blank stare. After a long (and good) conversation, he'd brought to my attention that at least from where he stood, the actual policies didn't do much downplaying of spouses, but that perhaps the culture of the folks who tended to self-select led to a culture that does all the things that really scratch my eyeballs raw. However, as he lost the power of attorney when he changed computers, submitting the move paperwork was all but impossible for me (had to do it twice to two separate posts, gross boo hiss) but went through effortlessly as soon as he did it. I think I'd come to expect as much, but he was quite frustrated, no doubt mostly by the fact that his current training has him outdoors 18 hours with no phone on many days.

Well, tonight I will have only my mattress and the stuff that fits in two suitcases in my room. (And will be done with the insane doses of ibuprofen for all the medical/dental procedures I've been packing in. Yay!) How weird. However, it might help kick my butt into thesis writing mode as it becomes unavoidably apparent that the days are dwindling.... 

Vocab of the day:
Korean: 포장하기 위하여 = to pack (whoa! throw an infinitive in there, and it gets all fancy)
Military: PCS= permanent change of station (a recycled goodie)