15 minutes

I shouldn't leave for the airport for another 15 minutes or I'll just get there and pace and then have to pay for parking, but that's how close he is. After a year of separation, a year of skyping and gchat and facebook messages that cut off midsentence, after a year of buying a house, moving to a new city, a year of triumphs and heartbreak and loneliness and growth, he'll be back.

I thought the last two weeks should be a constant cotton candy cloud of elation but they've been far more complex than I expected- joy, excitement, anxiety that we will have changed significantly, nervousness that he won't like the house, a million billion buzzing worries from not remembering how to cook for two to him suddenly being disappointed that my career hasn't taken off in his absence ..  and yet tonight I'm just excited. Thrilled. Overjoyed. Ready for the clutching in my chest to be released. Ready to cede half the bed, half the closet space, half the bathroom counter. So very ready to be together. Which means I've packed tissues to spare.

Two more minutes.... ok, I'll go pace.

Freedom to Serve, Freedom to Marry

I want to take a break from my reflections on my personal military spousehood for today and highlight something far more important: those who are denied the right to be full partners to their military spouses due to their gender. From my very limited experience, I've seen what a challenge it is merely to be a male spouse of a female soldier. Anything that doesn't fit the "army wife" mold takes extra work, and when I think of the barriers same-sex partners face to being a welcome, active part of the military community I worry about what "freedom" it is we fight for.

The campaign Freedom to Serve, Freedom to Marry offers this heart-wrenching look at what can STILL happen to same-gendered partners of military members:

I don't know a single military spouse who finds it easy to cope with the challenges of having a partner in the military, and that is from those who do have access to the benefits of being a recognized military family member. Although the Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT) policy that required secrecy of gay service members, the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) still bars same-gendered military families from the sliver of access that make being a spouse workable.

Without health care, the access military IDs bring, support from morale and welfare programs, surviving spouse benefits and other benefits denied by DOMA, these spouses suffer unfairly even after we've taken the huge step forward of removing DADT. Regardless of anyone's personal beliefs around what constitutes marriage, I can't think of a single reason that legally married couples should be able to fight and die for their country but not have the right to be treated as family. For decades the military has created structures to support spouses and children precisely because they know how crucial family input is to whether a soldier, sailor or airman continues their work in the military or moves on. Then why ostracize the partners of good service members due to their gender?

The Servicemember Legal Defense Network has more information here: http://www.sldn.org/ if you'd like to help.

Vocab of the day: 
Military: FSC = Family Support Center

Suggestions for separation

An extremely wise friend and I chatted recently about being separated, and she gave me some amazing tips. She and her husband have been separated for many months and continents, and after implementing some of these, I'm feeling happier and better than before.

1. Buy a body pillow. This one has been so helpful- best $10 I've spent in recent memory. During separations I very much feel "skin hunger" where the absence of all the little touches (hugs, holding hands, casual caresses, etc) add up to actually change the brain chemistry and make for physical aching, feeling disconnected, discomfort. A body pillow isn't a perfect stand in for cuddling with a real person, but helps the bed not feel empty. And, no hard collarbones or ribs to stick you in the neck! 
2. Create a bedtime playlist/Pandora channel. I particularly have a hard time sleeping when my brain won't switch off, and this has been a godsend. My friend recommended a Pandora station seeded by Liquid Mind's "Adagio for Sleep." It's incredibly relaxing and gives me somewhere to focus my energy until I fall asleep instead of tallying up checklists or letting the brain hamster wheel keep running on "self destruct" mode. 
3. Watch inspiring documentaries. I don't know why, but I keep reaching for war movies at the library- terrible idea. I have made a concerted effort to focus more on really cool travel documentaries and little-guy-overcomes movies. Action movies and comedies get a rotation too, but my entertainment time is well spent when I come away thinking, "Wow- what a cool world and cool people there are out there."
4. Balance taking in and creating. Brilliant. My separation guru is an actual professional poet with publications, and I at least dabble in singing, crafts, building... whatever. This was an amazing tip- be sure to both nourish your creative intake (reading, watching film, doing nature walks... whatever it is that brings you inspiration) and producing. Really, it doesn't matter what- journaling, recording a song on your laptop, building a deck- something you feel good about creating or doing.
5. When missing spouse, start/work on care package. Instead of just pining, this goes with the above. When you miss the spouse, do something toward sending them that love. Seems pretty common sense, but I did not make a solid connection on that before this conversation.
6. Limit alcohol. I'm finding that even a glass or two of wine has much more effect, and a much more dramatic down after the fact. Keeping alcohol to a minimum keeps these mood swings (more) at bay.
7. Cry in the shower. Wow, that sounds super depressing. And let's face it- separation can be too. But a good cry in the shower can be super cathartic, even relaxing. And when you get out, you're clean and ready to face the world fresh.

Favorite documentary series

Vocab of the day: 
Military: FMWR= Family Morale, Welfare, and Recreation